pursuing presence

if 2020 was the year we hemmed in the borders — of our travels, our social circles, the portions of our closet where the tight things loom — 2021 was the year we began to remember how to live. it’s been shaky, flooded with questions of do-I-know-how-to-do-this-anymore and do-I-still-like-this-shit-even trailed by every nebulous strain of free-floating existential dread, but in the rosy lens of reflection I’m reliving the moments I brushed against something else.

this was one of those moments, on a boat at sunset in santorini, the aegean-assyrtiko-affection trifecta coalescing into what our limited language tends to want to call perfection.

a dream realized

how many dreams come true are we granted in a lifetime? it strikes me that even one puts you squarely in the category of extremely fucking lucky – & here I currently sit, after winning a james beard award last week.

and so it went–
there was no question in my husband's mind that he'd be in new york to support me, & apparently, not in my dad's either; he surprises me shortly before the awards, handsomely suited & ticket in hand. they've both shown up to share this moment with me. remember this forever.

losing larry

what I'd give to be right here, delighting in a tale you've spun before and has us no less enraptured. you're famous for keeping the light on your guests, but no one on the planet could tell a story like you. I miss it with gripping ferocity.⠀
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for six years you occupied a giant presence in my life; a sliver of your time here, a healthy slice of mine. writing your questions meant trying to slip into your brain until parts of you felt as familiar as myself. I carry a trove of peak experiences for which you are the cause– emmy ceremonies and luminary run-ins and the way it felt to make you laugh.

love lettersserena smithOctober 10, 2023larry king, death, obituary, larry king live, boss, grief, homage, jeff goldblum, emmys, larry king now, brooklyn, loss, afterlifeComment

learning to love my bits

when I was younger and just learning to be self-conscious, I despised this mole. its uncommonness I thought made it ugly, and I remember going so far as to sew fabric into a bikini to cover it up. now it’s one of those details I love on me, a lowkey distinguishing characteristic and something to say you’re looking at when it’s actually my braless boobs. if you’re nice I will almost always pretend to believe you.⁣

there isn’t a woman I know, myself included, who couldn’t immediately rattle off five things about her body she doesn’t like. I wish we’d spend more time appreciating five things we do.

a post-roe universe

“we have to understand that the supreme court only has the authority over us that we give it.”

I had the profound honor of being the interviewer on the other side of this conversation with gloria steinem and I’ll never forget the wellspring of strength I felt in this moment. may we all have a fraction of the fortitude this divine woman, who is responsible for so many of the freedoms we still retain, has emanating from her being. we are gutted and enraged and terrified, but WE ARE NEVER POWERLESS.

to sisterhood

what a year, sis. it’s one we did and didn’t see coming – a year of planned milestones and unanticipated hard lefts, as we recalibrated our careers, our bad habits, our notions of what we want.

it strikes me we’ve been trafficking in polarities, where weekendlong sorority sleepovers met hours spent mining the realities that accompany age. we pretended we were younger, had different names, fewer questions – and then woke up grateful for the shades of grey we occupy.

love lettersserena smithOctober 10, 2023sisterhood, friendship, growth, evolution, self-discovery, aging, female friendshipComment

grief, a year in

you’ve been gone a year, and yet I sense you acutely. in my dreams, in the room. in the moments my brain lapses and I forget you aren’t wandering around beverly hills drinking an iced coffee with a staggering mound of splenda in it. grief is an odd beast with its ebb and flow, its unexpected visits. we know it isn’t linear but it feels no less jarring to be swept up in its swift onset. somehow I find myself grateful for it too. if I can reach past the pain, I feel something else– a cleansing, a catharsis, the sense that you’re closer than our earthbound bodies can comprehend.

serena smithOctober 10, 2023grief, loss, larry king, death, mourning, unfinished businessComment

a pandemic birthday

I am now 35.⠀
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and I had a whole enchilada of reflection semi-penned, but the truth is that this moment and that cake with my friends and the sunny, sexy, salubrious weekend it capped off with my love were as close to perfection as I could hope for, and when the universe or a delectable gluten-free concoction decides to shine its light on you, you soak that shit up and tuck it somewhere in your soul so that you might revisit it when you need a jolt of gratitude, or a little mercy.

serena smithOctober 10, 2023pandemic, reflections, self-reflection, covid, quarantine, birthdayComment

when you showed up

I'm two days late to this lest I scare someone by being prompt about anything, and anyway, this man deserves a day all his own. THIS MAN, who showed up one afternoon when I was 14 with a broad smile and big bear hug and has existed in a heartspace exclusively his ever since. who, though he was already doing the work of raising three curious, complex daughters, welcomed a fourth – in all my highly opinionated and high maintenance teenagehood – as his own from that first embrace, capping a hole I didn't know was there until he filled it.

love lettersserena smithOctober 10, 2023fatherhood, family, blended families, stepdad, father's dayComment

for em, heading east

to be your friend is to feel like I’m perennially on the inside of a delicious secret. we traffic in knowing glances, hands held, laughter moored to hilarious somethings and sometimes very little; somehow the source never seems to matter. people say ‘what’s going on between you two?’ and the answer is ‘nothing.’ or maybe everything. who knows? It’s an essence, and it’s ours. ⠀
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you brim with soulful sensitivity and an appreciation for small pleasures, my partner in losing it when the beat drops – in that weird warehouse, on a strip of palm-punctured sand, astride some leonard or another – or before a well-stocked erewhon bev case.

love lettersserena smithOctober 10, 2023friendship, sisterhood, love letters, female friendship, erewhon, goodbyesComment

a mirror, an evolution

your birthday was yesterday and you’re less than four feet from me at present which makes this all a little silly, but there are some things I want to memorialize. these past few months with you have been a gift. we’ve led busy, buzzy lives, and when the world stopped, we poured that momentum into each other – exploring, reaching deeper, luxuriating in the space to mine each other’s hearts and minds in ways regular life seldom allows. I’ve found myself rewriting my vows to you over and over during this time – as you’ve helped me see new parts of you, gently reflected pieces of me.

love lettersserena smithOctober 10, 2023love, marriage, evolution, companionship, growth, love lettersComment

musings